Depression has no season
This is something I wrote in March 1978.
A sense of lostness –
“Nobody cares” –
Smothers and dulls all
Perceptions, taking away any
Joy for life.
Cutting through layers of defenses,
The lostness leaves one cold and vulnerable
To the reality of life and brings the dark side,
Not the light side, into prominence.
The mask is dropped and it is hard to
Pick it up without breaking apart completely.
It will have to be rebuilt and placed on again
So no one will know I’m not me.
As the title to this post states, “Depression Has No Season.” And, as you can see from the year of the above writing, 1978, I’ve been aware of depression in my life since at least that time period. That said, I’ll give a little background to the above and then go forward.
In March of 1978 I was a junior in college. Early 20s. I lived on campus but was close enough to be able to drive home in approximately 45 minutes. Roommates. Classmates. Was part of a Christian campus group. Church. So, yes, there was what, looking back, I would call “young adult angst.” Not gonna go there. It is in the past and only write about it now to paint a picture others might identify with in their lives. Meaning: I was around a lot of people often.
Today my life is circumscribed by my early twenty-something son, my parents, my cats, and work. My work schedule is such that I am sleeping or trying to sleep at the times most people are in church. (Yes God is important to me.) I go to the library. I go to the store. I eat, sleep. I do not have any close friends. I do not go out to “have a good time.”
So. Depression. Just an everyday part of my life. I generally do not think about it. But I do acknowledge it. And I felt drawn to write about the reality of it at this season. For me, this month this year, it is a bit more difficult due to the fact my husband died Thursday December 11, 1997, and was buried Monday December 15. Military cemetery. This year, 2014, reflects the same day by day calendar. It has been a bit tough for my son and I for that fact. Death has no season, either. I plan to address that another post.
We are past those dates. Life goes on unless you are dead.
I do not write of hope at this time. For me, it is rare. I do not hope. I struggle on. I get up in the mornings and feed the outdoor cats God has given me responsibility for. My son lives with me at this time. I check up on my parents who live next door. (Family land.) I go to work, the library, the store. I read, watch TV. In season, I do yard work.
My cats make me happy. Any cats make me happy. Seeing a cat calendar in the store makes me smile.
I thank God . . . . and go on.
How do you feel, really, in this season, when the sun would appear to have gone away but in actuality is simply on its regular route, so to say? Is your life circumscribed like mine or are you in a frenzy because Christmas is one day away and every thing is not perfect? It is never perfect.
Wrapping it up.
Be blessed this season.
P.S. I need to go feed the cats.