Sometimes I feel like this kitten: too much to do and no energies to do it. In fact, most of the time lately I feel this way. Too many “I should be doing this” and “I should have done that” and “I really need a better job, career, more money coming into the household” and and and. Then there is the “What crafts can I create to sell to get income coming into the household” and “Where do I find the money to make the crafts to sell” (no I am not at this time making things to sell). And then there is the fact that I am stuck between my young adult son and my parents in their eighties and the demands of each of them. I’m widowed since 1997 so I do not have to account for myself to a husband.
Let’s not forget the Internet, emails, a website and game site that I’m a member of: umpty-umpt emails every day (ok- maybe not that many but a lot for me), half of which I do not read and need to unsubscribe myself, knowing I should check in at the web site and knowing I should go play on the game site since it is the one thing I purchase for myself to have fun. And when I do check some of the emails, I go further into their sites to find out the rest of the stories. And there goes another 15 – 30 minutes of the day.
I mustn’t forget my tiny 90 year-old house I live in (family owned) that hasn’t enough storage spaces in it so it is cluttered.
So I go to bed and try to sleep only to get up at least 2 times in the night (the nights I’m not at work). Rise in the morning, eat breakfast, get dressed, go outside and feed the cat colony here on the homestead, come inside and watch tv. Do some laundry, run the dishwasher, go next door to check in with my parents, take a nap, feed the cats again, find something to eat for evening meal. Watch more tv, think about applying for jobs in the paper, give up for the day.
Now, I realize there are many people doing variations of these same things. And I know all about the “God/Jesus stuff”: I have a master of arts in religious education from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and have studied on my own so please do not give comments saying do this and do that to find God. And I am not being flippant by saying “God/Jesus stuff”: it covers a whole lot of territory and a whole lot of heart-breaking serving history.
I’m simply tired of failed expectations, of falling through the cracks, of not being whom people want me to be and denigrated because of that. And I haven’t the wherewithal, money or energy to change things right now. I am overwhelmed.
Let me know if any of this is something you experience.